Quit Crying Sudekis, That Salad Dressing Ain’t “Special”

The Wilde/Sudekis separation has had many twists and turns. The latest news involves a nanny, but it’s not what you think. Jason wasn’t dipping his little Sudekis in the help, but rather the nanny spilled the beans on his drunken breakdown when Wilde took off to bring Harry Styles some of her “Special Salad Dressing”.

Admittedly, when I read that, I immediately assumed it was some sort of weird sex thing. Alas, it was not. It was Just. Salad. Dressing. Salad dressing that apparently led to Sudekis lying down in front of Olivia’s car, so she couldn’t leave. Obviously, I needed to know what the hell was the story with this mystical cryptic condiment.

THAT’S IT?!?! That’s the damn recipe????

Little known fact… I’m a salad dressing aficionado. I regularly make my own, and deign to use a supermarket-bought concoction. And let me learn you a little something….

Olivia’s Dressing is TRASH

First red flag, TWO tablespoons of Grey Poupon? That is entirely too much mustard. In a vinaigrette, the primary function of the mustard is to act an emulsifier, blending the vinegar and olive oil into a nice creamy texture. The flavor add is a nice tangy feature, but you don’t need to add THAT much. It’s going to detract from the overall flavor profile, and is going to taste more like a tangy mustard sauce. And if you’re suggesting powerful greens like arugula and endive, you want to taste them…not drown them in mustard.

Next problem I have is Olivia’s subtle snobbery in insisting on a “good red wine vinegar”. Of course, you don’t want to use a 99 cent generic brand- get yourself a decent product. But this is red wine vinegar. It’s not some 25 year old barrel aged balsamic, from the hills of Northern Italy- it’s a simple red wine vinegar. And, ‘Liv, you’re using Grey Poupon… the phoniest classy product on the market. Don’t try to imply you fancy.

The last problem I have is with the level of simplicity here. I’m a minimalist cook in a lot of ways. Fewer ingredients done right, is generally the recipe for a successful dish. But in this case, NO salt or pepper?! Or how about a little squeeze of lemon juice? Or, if I’m going with peppery arugula, and bitter endive, I’m going to throw a dash of honey or agave nectar in there to provide some contrast. Not altering your basic vinaigrette recipe for the type of salad is criminal.

In conclusion, I’d like to address Jay Suds. My man… I get it. I’ve been a huge fan of Ms Wilde since she made out with Marissa Cooper. And if she makes a killer salad dressing, only better. But in this case, you can definitely do better. You’ve got to move on. C’mon by, we’ll have a few drinks and I guarantee my special dressing will make you forget all about the ex, and Harry Bleepin’ Styles.

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