The (Punchable) Face of Golf

Bryson “The Douche” DeChambeau

Get this out of the way off the top…DeChambeau is good for golf. You need to have a villain, especially one who going against the grain. And the dude can play. He’s not just power, the guy has game. But it ends there. Other than that….I despise everything about him, with every fiber of my being.

Why??? Well let’s start with this….


What an absolute knob! I’m not a golf coach, but I know whatever hell he is doing has ZERO to do with golf, and everything to do with being a driving range hero. It worked for Happy Gilmore, but that was a movie, pal. You don’t see “swing as hard as I can” guys like 2020 Long Drive Champ Kyle Berkshire, or J. Patrick Cunnion, making any noise at Augusta, do you?

It doesn’t end there either. This guy’s whole attitude towards golf and, well, life in general, is that he knows more than everyone.

All his irons are the same length. You know who else does that??? Nobody. Because it’s stupid.

He calls himself the “golf scientist”. Sure he’s probably smarter than the average golfer; he did, after all, “study physics”. But he went to freaking SMU?! C’mon bro. This nerd pretends to calculate air density, and flow mechanics (whatever the fuck that is) on the course. First off, I don’t believe it for a second. Secondly, even if he did, there is no evidence that it provides anything actionable that isn’t completely negated by an even negligible variation in mechanics from swing to swing. Especially when you swing like a Berkshire, or a Cunnion.

Jun 22, 2018; Cromwell, CT, USA; Bryson DeChambeau DeChambeau checks his note pad on the 17th green during the second round of the Travelers Championship at TPC River Highlands. Mandatory Credit: Bill Streicher-USA TODAY Sports

He uses a FUCKING COMPASS to “calculate true pin locations”. Well, what do the 37 guys ranked ahead of you in strokes gained putting use, Bry-son?

He tried to DISPROVE GRAVITY at his 6th Grade Science Fair.

He “developed” a “new” putting stroke (which was eventually deemed illegal).

Well, at least he hasn’t had any questionable on course behavior, right Mike? Right????

He once argued that, by his perception, “part of his ball” was not out of bounds, therefore he should be allowed to play it. It was ruled on, appealed and upheld, and he was still a whiny little (well, big, because this was in 2020 when he decided being huge was a good idea, until it wasn’t) bitch about it.

And then two weeks later, the coup de grace, when he attempted to get a free drop because his ball came to rest near “red ants”, citing a rule allowing for a free drop due to “dangerous animals”.

It’s never ending with this self-righteous windbag. He’s the guy you run into now and then at a friend of a friend’s who you HATE talking to. He wants to go on and on about his new watch, or his quail hunting weekend, and then refuses to listen to your story about your legendary golf trip. He’s the “Well, Actually” guy. He wants to tell you he set 9 PR’s last month at Cross fit. He’s smarter than everyone, that is, until he changes course on his own terrible decisions, which happens often… and then tells you it’s because he incorporated some new info into his analysis.

The guy just plain sucks. And I can’t wait until he’s in position on Sunday, only to have it all slip away. And I’ll be there, watching, laughing as it all comes crumbling down.

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