You get home from work, you’re utterly exhausted, everyone in the family is hangry – hungry and angry – all you want is a quick simple recipe to throw into the oven. Something that is easy but still tasty, you’re not a savage after all. You still want to enjoy your dinner.
Garlic butter pork chops with a nice side sound yummy. And easy to make.
All you need is the basic recipe – time and temp and a little advice on seasoning.
So you jump onto the old internet and click on the first link that looks promising. And what do you get:
A nice simple recipe?
Instead you get a 5000 word personal essay on how pork chops remind Mary Sue of her beloved Gramma Nini and the fleeting nature of human existence and how we should all appreciate the simple things and blah blah blah. You scroll and scroll and scroll looking for the actual fucking recipe like ingredients and baking temperature but instead you get more paragraphs about Mary Sue’s childhood back in Ohio and what’s this now, a pop up video ad for some home delivery food service and then five other random ads for discount vacations and now there’s an endless scroll of Pinterest links and HOLY SHIT JUST GIVE ME THE GAWDAMN RECIPE ALREADY!!!!!!!
The Internet was supposed to be about information. You know something that I don’t so you share that tidbit and now we are all a little wiser. A simple and even generous transaction between humans facilitated by a machine. That was the utopia.
Instead we have a hellhole suckfest of scams and schemers up selling every single second of web based activity. Information is hidden like buried treasure to increase a website’s “click through rate”. Ads are shoved at you like a torture technique. It’s never ending and it’s everywhere. If you want information on anything you have to pay the Iron Price.
And so the Internet has become Dante’s 7th Circle of Hell and the only reasonable option at this point is for it to be destroyed immediately. Someone please pull the plug on the whole World Wide Shitshow. Yes I get the irony of ranting about the Internet on the Internet but I’m willing to sacrifice the one good thing on the Internet – that’s the glory that is Hi-Top of course – in order to save the rest of humanity.
So Lars or Sven or whoever the hell is guarding the Internet On/Off Button in some bunker in the Swiss Alps, it’s time. Hit that off switch and save us all.