Let’s Talk About Gronk Beach

Sometimes you wake up on rainy Tuesday and think “What could possibly make this boring rat race running hamster wheel turning Tuesday actually interesting?”

And the universe says to thee – “Gronk Beach”.

Obviously the Gronk Beach event itself will be a smorgasbord of the absolute worst things about humanity – bad music, overpriced drinks, people who use “party” as a verb, etc etc.

But this Press Release…now that is a work of ART. This thing deserves a spot in the Louvre right next to ol’ Mona herself. We’ve got about 15 different fonts, a cartoon Gronk with the Adonis body he has 20 surgeries ago, the obligatory “Big Game” reference which is always hilarious – like can we get a deep dive on how much money the NFL saves from not letting anyone say “Super Bowl” vs how much they spend on lawyers policing this shit, surely they are millions in the red here. Rovell get on this. We have “VIP Tables” & “Experience” – need to know the difference there!!!!

Hawaiian Stuff!!!!! Wait I thought this was on Miami Beach????? Honestly what is going on here? You have a Tiki Idol, a clip art Hawaiian dude and Gronk wearing a Lei. Not every party on a beach has to be a Hawaiian party. They do know that right? Cuz it’s kinda weird to have a Hawaiian themed party on Miami Beach, no????

And we have not even mentioned the “Artists” yet.

Diplo!!!! (Does he actually do anything?????)

Kaskade!!!! (Who????)

Carnage!!!! (Double Who?????)

Rick Ross!!!! (He’s still alive???)

Flo Rida!!!!!!! (Seeing Flo Rida in Florida – does it get any better than that!!!!)

Obviously there’s only one thing left to say here –

Party of the year Gronk! Party of the year!

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