Happy Presidents Day!
The Good Ol’ US of A has had their fair share of presidents (almost 50 of them!). The braintrust at Hi-Top HQ is here to rank the five best and not by combing historical records or any of that boring stuff but by looking at their Presidential Portraits and making wild conjectures about what type of people they were. In honor of our (mostly idiotic) Commanders in Chief here’s a list of the Top 5 Presidents of the United States –
5. Chester A Arthur
Well first off this dude’s name is Chester. Don’t get many of them these days. Secondly this Wild Man has some serious mutton chops. Like these sideburns put Jason Priestly to shame. You just know this Big Guy was tons o’ fun. Full kegs in the West Wing. Saturday night orgies in the basement bowling alley. Chester had himself a time in the White House.
4. William Howard Taft
Holy Handlebars Howie! Now that is a goddamn mustache! Another big fella and you can just tell by the smirk on his face and the glint in his eye that Willy Boy was up to no good. Slip ol’ Tafty a crisp chicken wing and a mug of ale and you could have half of Montana.
3. Martin Van Buren
There’s a reason a gang was named after this dude. The Van Buren Boys don’t mess around and neither did Marty. Looking like an insane homeless person works wonders in cabinet meetings I hear.
2. Rutherford B. Hayes
The B in Rutherford B Hayes stands for Beat Downs. Do Not Mess with Rutherford. This is a stand up dude who takes his commitments seriously. Honesty and integrity right here folks.
1. James K. Polk
Business in the front. Party in the back. You are looking at the inventor of the mullet. Truly an historic achievement that deserves a number 1 ranking. US presidents have done some good stuff (and a hell of a lot of bad stuff) but creating a hairstyle that transcends space and time is next level stuff. Polky was a taker not a giver and he got what he wanted cuz ain’t nobody negotiating with this mad man. You walk into a meeting looking like this and there are no terms of settlement. Just demands. Git R’ Dun.