PATRIOT’S EMERGENCY: RED ALERT

We have a serious situation here, people.

Just as I was combing the far corners of the internet for any kernel of info I can use for a great Super Bowl preview, I came across something profoundly disturbing.

“Champ Grind of Edelman”

Right off the bat…what the hell is “Champ Grind” ? This is not a thing. It’s not a phrase anyone has ever used, in any situation, about anything. So, the entire premise of this thing is whack.

Getting past that, the lyrics are just nonsensical arrangements of words made to fit the melody of “Better Man”.

My “favorite” of these being:

Waiting for the curl route, flung from Tom

His hair looks good, and his beard game is strong

from my upcoming book, Worst Lyrics Ever

Not only are the lyrics just nonsense…there are so many Yahoo Dog Whistles packed it, it’s hard to even catch them all:

Max Kellerman & Rob Parker, GOAT references, Make Believe doubters, Lots of showing love, homoerotic imagery of Edelman, using players’ first names….it’s really a Patriot Yahoo Starter Kit.

If you made it through the entire song- first off, I feel for you- you caught the only good sequence in the entire thing. Right at the end, we got a “Gronk’s girl’s a solid 10”. I chuckled…but then it went back into senseless yahoo-ism, and re-ruined the whole moment.

Simply calling this the worst song ever, would be an insult to songs. This is just an abysmal experience. I will say, the dude sounds pretty good. He easily could’ve had Sat Night, 9pm at the Dubliner in 2002.

Stay tuned for my upcoming preview for the game, but in light of this song…I am afraid it looks like Rams in a blowout.

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