Out of Context Newspaper Headline of the Day

Every day across the land Newspapers, both real and online, churn out headline after line trying in vain for that ever elusive reader eyeball to pause and consider reading their story over the millions of other stories being peddled and pushed and promoted and sponsored. More often than not the headline is the most interesting part of the entire story. So why bother reading the rest? That’s where Hi-Top comes in. We’ll find the most ridiculous headline and give you something far more entertaining than the actual story could ever offer.

From the esteemed Washington Post:

First things first – fanny packs are officially BACK!

The Lil’ Dogg hates to be the bearer of bad news but this headline confirms it. The fanny pack is the retro cool accessory of the moment. Worn ironically or not, people are all in with their fanny packs.

When ultra hip streetwear brand Supreme is involved then you just know the Fanny Pack is having a moment:

Now the real interesting thing here that pertains to our particular headline is the manner in which the fanny pack is now being worn. The actual “fanny” is not involved. Instead hipsters are slinging the pack across their torso.

Our headline states that the woman both pulled a knife and hit the security guard with her fanny pack (with a pigeon inside – which we will get to in a moment so hold that thought).

Personally if the Lil’ Dogg was going to rock a fanny pack and be strapped with a blade then you have to go with the knife on your hip and the fanny pack across your chest. Otherwise the fanny pack is getting in the way of your knife access.

However if you are planning on using the fanny pack as a weapon it’s so much easier to unbuckle if it’s around your waist. You just pop it off and bam you got yourself a Fanny Pack Whip.

But this ruthless warrior was intent on using both weapons so you have to imagine she was rocking a sort of dual pistol action here, unsheathing the knife after ripping off the pack.

Now, on to the pigeon.

It seems what we have here is some sort of Game of Thrones Master Assassin, a woman adapt at knife play who can also quickly send off a message via carrier pigeon. She was obviously on a Top Secret Mission and in case of emergency the pigeon was to be released to keep the mission alive. Sadly she happened to run into the most skilled of advisories – The Security Guard. An epic battle ensued and The Security Guard was the Victor. It’s the only assumption we can make.

Who knows what kind of evil this Master Assassin was about to perpetrate? But we can all rest easy with the knowledge that Security Guards are out there, patrolling the land battling knifes and fanny packs and keeping the rest of us safe.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s