I’m a parent. My kids are young now, but it won’t be too long before these little hell-raisers become big hell-raisers and I’ll have a whole new set of things to worry about.
When that time comes, I’ve always thought that two foolproof, solid pieces of advice would be
- Practice Safe Sex
- Don’t snort anything up your nose
Until now, I didn’t think these two things were related…but thanks to a bunch of brain dead, self-obsessed ass holes out there, we have a new “Challenge” and a new Next Stupid Thing.
You guessed it right….SNORTING CONDOMS!
It seems as though the objective here, is to snort the rubber up one nostril, and then get it to come out your mouth. I’ve read that, much like Roseanne, this isn’t actually new, but for some inexplicable reason has become popular in 2018, despite mountains of evidence that it’s a bad idea.
First off, the disclaimer I use in all of these, just because something isn’t “easy” doesn’t make it a “challenge”. Stop calling things a “challenge”. It’s asinine. I expect this level of stupidity from the kids trying this stuff- they are beyond hope- but without fail, TV, print and social -media sources keep calling these things “challenges”. All this does is entice the simpletons- incapable of rational thought and critical thinking- to want to become part of the action.
My goal here is generally two-fold…to rant about the utter lack of intelligence of anyone who would try this, and to ridicule them in the process. I’m not hoping for anything bad to happen to anyone, but hey…there’s a reason Darwin is undefeated. But since it seems to be getting worse out there…I’m going to try a little something different. I’m going to try to empathize with these meatheads….
Now listen, I understand there is a frustration level among some of the youngsters out there. So, if you’re thinking about taking part in this “challenge”, let’s rap:
I get it, you’re generally a moron, and someone that may be considered a “loser” by most accepted definitions of the word. The only place you feel like yourself is on the cam and behind the anonymity of the internet. And god knows there is NO CHANCE you’ll have a chance to insert a condom anywhere it was intended (because again…loser)…so you try to come up with something to do with it and figure, if I shove it up my nose, I might get some views.
Well, listen, you’ll get views, but know that everyone is laughing at you. Once you snort a condom, you’re even more of a loser than the person who thought about snorting a condom. You’ve crossed over…and there is no coming back.
But hey, generations are littered with youths in the same boat as you. So before you start cramming a Durex into any facial orifices, go out and find a hobby. Assuming you can read- which is probably a very generous assumption- go get some comic books or play some Dungeons and Dragons or some shit. We’d love to have you become an avid HTTA fan…we accept all. Play an instrument. Video games. Christ…anything.
Whatever you do, for the love of god, don’t take part in anything labeled a “challenge”.
No Tide Pods, prophylactics or invisible boxes. NOTHING, you hear me?! Clearly your caretakers have failed on some level…so Le Cap is here to help you through.
Stick with me…I don’t guarantee success, but if you stay away from any internet challenges, I estimate you’re 95% more likely to be a contributing member of society than someone who partakes.