SOS: HELP ME! I’m reading Newsweek!

Ladies and gentleman, they don’t call Newsweek the best in the business for nothing…or actually, they just don’t call Newsweek the best in the business.

I had to suffer through this POS, and now I want you to share my pain…rescue me before I fall into despair.

Let’s break down this earth-shattering story from Ewan Palmer of NW, which has also been featured on Yahoo! landing page.

*contains exerpts from the original article, attributable to Palmer. Please don’t attribute any of them to me….

NW HEadline

HEADLINE: OK, the headline seems interesting…you have me intrigued. Like not totally intrigued, but Wednesday morning intrigued.



A family in Australia has found what is believed to be the world’s oldest message in a bottle, some 132 years after it was thrown overboard.  Tonya Ilman said she found the handwritten note while walking along a beach on Wedge Island, Perth, on the west coast of Australia.  Noticing a gin bottle wedged in a dune, she picked it up thinking that it “might look nice on display” at her home in Lancelin, Perth.

Alright…”oldest message in a bottle”, Western Australia Beach, and an Aussie woman perhaps giving me some home décor tips…I’m still with ya. I can’t wait to read what the message said, too.


After unravelling the paper safely at home, she found a message dated June 12 1886, said to have been thrown from the German sailing ship Paula.  Surprisingly, the paper was still almost completely intact, with a lot of the German writing still legible.

The family then set out conducting their own extensive research to make sure the message was genuine. Kym Illman, who understands basic German, was able to translate some of the letter before putting the rest through Google Translate.

The message is from 1886, and in German…intriguing. The family is apparently taking this serious, conducting an “extensive search”, which apparently led to one woman who kind of speaks German, and then uses the proprietary tool “Google Translate” to come up with the remaining content.

They are really teasing the shit out of this note…can’t wait for the payoff.


The family then took the message to the Western Australian Museum, where Ross Anderson, assistant curator of maritime archaeology, was tasked with investigating its authenticity.  After further research, Anderson confirmed the message matched the captain’s entries in Paula’s meteorological journal.

“The date and the coordinates correspond exactly with those on the bottle message. The handwriting is identical in terms of cursive style, slant, font, spacing, stroke emphasis, capitalisation and numbering style.”

Listen, Newsweek we really just want to know what the message says. You can tell us all about the authentication process AFTER you tell us what the message said!!!!


As the bottle was found on the beach near Wedge Island on January 21, 2018, the note remained inside the bottle for a total of 131 years after 223 days after it was thrown from Paula. The previous record for oldest message in a bottle was 108 years.

Listen…I know your average readers are probably HS Students who get free subscriptions as part of their social studies class, but I think it’s safe to say we can all do math. You already told us it was 132 years old…why are you wasting my time with this filler.


The bottle was thrown into the water before construction began on the Eiffel Tower, during the presidency of Grover Cleveland

Now you’re providing context for the age…and using two completely arbitrary, non-descript and un-noteworthy moments in history to explain it??? It’s at this point I’m fairly certain the “writer” of this piece just googled “Stuff that happened in 1886″…and that he may be an 8th Grade C-student.


Between 1864 and 1933, bottles were frequently thrown overboard from German ships as part of an experiment to better understand ocean currents. The notes ask the finder of the message to return it to German Naval Observatory in Hamburg or the nearest German Consulate.  Of the thousands of bottles thrown overboard, only 662 have been recovered.

More historical context…GREAT. Wait….am I reading this correctly? SIX HUNDRED AND SIXTY FREAKING TWO bottles similar to this have been discovered!?!?!?! I mean it’s not a hundred million bottles washed up on the shore, but it’s 662. That’s significant.

Why are you writing this story? Why am I reading it? Why am I then writing a blog post about reading it??? At least I’ll get to see what the message said.


Speaking following confirmation of the message’s age, Tonya said: “This has been the most remarkable event in my life. To think that this bottle has not been touched for nearly 132 years and is in perfect condition, despite the elements, beggars belief. I’m still shaking.”

“The most remarkable event in my life”? Huh? I just feel bad now. You may think finding this can mend your life, but it will probably break your heart.


Kym added: “It certainly consumed me for the first week. It was like solving a giant puzzle and now that it’s been confirmed as legitimate, I can’t wait to share our excitement with others.”

What? That’s the end? We don’t even get to know what the note said?! What editor signed off on this schlock? What a waste of time for everyone involved.


This “article” is the biggest pile of trash ever written. Every single one of the 550-plus posts on this site is better than this in every conceivable way. We’re starting at the bottom, and crossing sites we are better than off our list….NEWSWEEK…You’re gone!

We’re coming for your readers!!! If there are any, that is.





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