Drake is a lot of things – rapper, actor, wannabe athlete, Rihanna obsessive, Toronto Raptors fan – but his greatest accomplishment in life just might be becoming the corniest dude of all-time. I’m talking about all of history here folks. Drake is unmatched, unparalleled when it comes to being capital letters LAME. Like no one else in human history has as many *eye-roll “c’mon bro” moments as Drake.
Let’s take a stroll through just a few highlights of Drake’s cornball existence:
Drake starts life under his given name Aubrey. Apologies to all the Aubrey’s out there but facts is facts – Aubrey is a cornball name.
Aubrey then burst on to the entertainment scene on the Canadian Teen Drama staple Degrassi as a character who got shot and ended up paralyzed thus becoming Wheelchair Jimmy:
Now let’s be clear here. Wheelchairs and people in wheelchairs are not inherently lame. Not the case at all. Some of the coolest dudes and dudettes on Earth are confined to wheelchairs. But Jimmy was a lame dude before getting shot and he stayed a lame dude after.
Drake the Rapper
Aubrey became Drake and emo-rap was born. Drake is the softest, cheesiest, least hardcore rapper in all of hip-hop history. Drake makes The Fresh Prince look like Jack the Ripper. Drake songs make Journey songs sound like Death Metal. Drake isn’t hip-hop he’s unhip-hop (ok see just writing about Drake is turning me into a cheeseball who drops Dad jokes).
Drake as Athlete
Drake is not a good athlete:
Now an air ball infront of 20,000 people is pretty bad but that’s not the true Cornball offense here. No what really makes this a true Drake moment is the fact that he’s a 25 year man dressed up in a college team’s warmups going through pre-game layups like he’s a six year old Make-a-Wish kid. Only Drake would think participating as a DNC (does not count) member of Kentucky’s basketball team is cool.
And now we come to the latest and perhaps worst cornball crime committed by Drake:
Here we have Drake at his home basketball court wearing not just a LeBron jersey and not just a “throwback” LeBron jersey but a HIGH SCHOOL LeBron jersey. This is a grown ass man wearing a High School jersey.
Now I could possibly possibly give this a pass if it was say a Bill Russell High School jersey or even a Michael Jordan High School jersey. But no. This is LeBron. And LeBron himself just so happens to be the corniest NBA superstar of all-time. The Cornball coefficient is off the charts here people. It’s cornball times cornball to the 1000 cornball power.
And it gets worse:
This is unconfirmed but sources are speculating that Drake has Steph Curry and Kevin Durant’s numbers tattooed on his left arm.
WHO WOULD DO THIS????????
Only the Corniest Cornball of All-Time would get not one but two non-related, non-affiliated basketball players’ numbers tattooed on their body. It makes no sense. He’s a self professed Toronto Raptor superfan. Did he lose a bet? If that’s the excuse then that’s the lamest bet of all-time. Does he owe Kanye money? Was this the payoff? Take the super corniest photo you can trying to be cool wearing a HS jersey and showing off terrible tattoos.
There’s really no explanation for any of this that does not lead to the conclusion that Aubrey Wheelchair Jimmy Drake is in fact THE BIGGEST CORNBALL OF ALL-TIME.