Ah yes, it’s that time of the year again. A time of joy, togetherness, the smell of pine, mistletoe, psychosis, ultra-violence… wait what!? That’s right, don’t deny it, there is just something about this time of the year that brings out the crazy in some people. Just look at some of your favorite Christmas movies. I guarantee you if you dig in deep enough you’ll see they are mostly filled with horrible people doing horrible things. Of course there are the classics, Scrooge, the Grinch, but those two were at least saved to a certain degree. What I am going to be looking at are those few (3 to be exact) irredeemable souls who are just beyond saving once you have taken a closer look at their characters. So, let’s begin!
- Santa “The Kringle” Claus from Elf
Oh boy, this one is a doozy. Sure, it is easy to take the story of the movie at face value; Buddy inadvertently slips into Santa’s bag, goes back with him to the North Pole, where he is kept and looked after for 30 years, but I say once you really take a close look something much more sinister went down that night. I think what really happened that fateful Christmas Eve was that Jolly ol’ Saint Nick (cult leader in Santa costume) broke into an orphanage to steal some shit, found Buddy awake, and kidnapped him (either to ransom off at a later date or because he wanted an heir). He then took the boy back to his cabal of midgets (little people?), and fed the poor little guy a diet of sugar and Grade A hallucinogenics for 30 years. I mean, come on guys! How else do you explain those visuals at the North Pole or his interactions with that whacked out penguin, that way to chill (pun super intended) Leon the Snowman, and Mr. Narwhal? Buddy was majorly tripped out. When Buddy finally escaped he had no idea how to truly fit in with anyone because all he knew was drugs and sugar; though he did have a killer work ethic. Santa destroyed this poor little soul and that is just damn unforgivable!
2. Scott “The Klaus” Calvin from The Santa Clause
This is what desperation looks like. Scott Calvin was an awful father, terrible husband, and all around selfish douche. He knew he needed to make some changes, but didn’t know how. Luckily one night, a burglar dressed as Santa was climbing on his roof. Instead of calling the cops, Scott seizes this moment to commit some low-grade manslaughter, steal the guy’s costume, and then brainwash his kid and everyone else into believing that he is the true Claus in an attempt to redeem himself. Unfortunately, he dug himself in too deep and lost himself in the con, convincing even his own psyche that this was legit. He couldn’t get out, so he moved deep into the Illinois wilderness (is that a thing?) and brought a bunch of homeless teens and tweens with him to do his bidding in the off season promising them shelter. This is next level manipulation and psychosis.
(Seriously though people, how did Scott’s ex wife and her new husband justify the fact that random presents they had never bought just randomly showed up the next day? Lots of strange shit going down in this flick. Or it’s just a gaping plot hole…)
3. Kevin “the Filthy Animal” McAllister from the Home Alone series.
Ah, the joy of abandonment! Kevin is the product of years of parental neglect and sibling abuse. This pre-pubescent Jigsaw shows all the warning signs of a potential domestic terrorist. He is a master manipulator (played that grocery store cashier like a fender strat), is able to turn any household appliance/child’s plaything into a deadly weapon (paint cans, saran wrap, Christmas ornaments, matchbox cars, etc.), and can transform any building he inhabits into one giant death trap (suburban household/New York brownstone). He is the most adult minded 8 year old ever, so one can only assume that he would have a straight up Joker style intellect by the time he turned 12. I feel like the only logical sequel to Home Alone 2 is that Kevin’s family leaves him home one more time after locking him in the attic over some bullshit and instead of him fighting off two inept burglars, the family comes home to walk through Kevin’s Happy Fun House never to be seen again. Of the three on the list, this kid is easily the most dangerous to society at large. Don’t ever ask him what his tommy-gun believes.
Honorable Mention: Clark and Ellen Griswold from the Vacation series
Ok, I struggled pretty hard with whether or not to include these two on the list. It is pretty obvious just how tapped they are and their insanity isn’t limited to just Christmas. However, there is one theory I just need to get out. Over the course of four films (what Ed Helms movie? That’s not real!) Clark and Ellen age appropriately, but Audrey and Rusty somehow stay the same age. I sense something truly sinister going down here. What I think is happening is that whenever the current kids get too old, Clark and Ellen ritualistically take them out, dispose of the bodies, and then kidnap two more kids to fill the void. I shudder to think! Those poor kids.
Well, now that I have thoroughly tainted your holiday spirit, I’ll leave you all with a Merry ChrismaHunaKwanzikah!
Until later, Hi-Toppers! Sophomore signing out!