Hi-Topper Top 10 – Best Nerds

Hey Jocks listen up! Sports aren’t about sports anymore. Sports are about numbers. Statistics are king. Percentages are played. Ratios are calculated. Formulas are devised. These are the things that matter in today’s sports world so either get on board or get stuffed in an athletic locker.

So with some further ado, here’s the HTTA Approved Top 10 Best Nerds

*Author’s Note (the further ado) – Not all nerds were created equal. For a variety of reasons some nerds are great (the nerds on this list) and some nerds are terrible (Screech). This is a ranking of the greatest of the great nerds and does not included Screech because both Screech and Dustin Diamond are shitheads.

10. Stuart Minkus

Minkus was smart as all nerds are but he also possessed a biting wit and a taste for vengeance. Full of irrational (or perhaps rational??) confidence Minkus was actually a secret badass and not someone you wanted to mess with. Invite Minkus to a water gun fight and Minkus will show up with the biggest goddamn water gun you’ve ever seen.

9. Arvid Engen

In a class full of nerds Arvid was Head Nerd (see what I did there) in charge of nerd activities. Arvid’s biggest weakness was his trusting nature as he was often led astray by his supposed friend Dennis. A chess wiz with an active imagination, Arvid manages to snag a cool job and a date with the school slut so underestimate Arvid at your own peril. This nerd’s a pimp.

8. Gordie

Gordie is a lit nerd, a short story master, a story telling savant who can whip up a tale for any occasion. He’s headed for the smart classes that juvenile delinquent best friend Chris won’t be allowed into so he must have the grades. He’s loyal and kind and able to conquer his fears.

7. Gary Wallace

We don’t have full intel on all of Gary’s academics but he did build a dream woman from a brassier and Commodore 64 so he must have some smarts. Between the two Weird Science buddies, Wyatt is obviously the real loser. Gary has some semblance of cool, I think.

6. Chris Night

In a movie filled with nerds Chris Knight is the frat bro slacker nerd ringleader. A master prankster looking to right wrongs while getting the girl, Chris is probably the hunkiest nerd in history. Certainly the only one to best a bully by filling his house with popcorn.

5. Brian Johnson

Brian gets his nerd bona fides by being in the Math Club, the Latin Club and the Physics Club but he’s also a bit of a sad lonely mess who faked his ID to vote and thought he could commit suicide with a flare gun. Poor Brian just wants a cool friend who’ll say hi to him in the hall on Monday.

4. Ronald Miller

Just like a tiger can’t change its stripes, a nerd can’t outrun his nerdom no matter how hard he tries. $1000 can buy you a telescope or a month with the head cheerleader but in the end you’re still a nerd Ronald.

3. Data

A genius inventor and scientific wunderkind, yes, but while Mikey may be the heart behind the Goonies, Data is the grit. Data does the dirty work and looks damn cool doing it. The only Goonie with style, Data is a nerd James Bond complete with Slick Shoes and a surprise boxing glove.

2. Bill Haverchuck

This nerd slays. Bill makes out with a hot cheerleader and she loves it. Too many attributes to mention but here’s a short list – biting sarcasm, cunning wit, a love of nighttime soap operas, master of pranks, a heart of gold and criminally overlooked athletic skills – Bill is pretty much the full nerd package.

1. Steven Urkel

No shocker here. Facts is facts and Urkel is both the most famous nerd and the greatest nerd. Everyone knows the catchphrases and the pratfalls but one thing people forget is Urkel can BALL!


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