Supermarket Creep

Just came from the supermarket…since I’m just a #regularguy. Grab a few things, get up to the express lane, and this woman is stink-eyeing me. Now, I don’t make a habit of pissing off older women, but I still ran her mug through the old internal scanner to make sure we haven’t had any prior incidents. She came back clean. So, WTF is she mean-mugging me for?

Well, lucky for you, Le Cap is a master of reading body language and social cues. This lady gave of all the signs that she wanted me to let her go in front of me.

If this was even close to a situation that warranted it, I’d be all over that. I’m a great guy. A man of the people. I even wave people on in traffic all the time. But Mildred here had like 5 items…that’s a no-go, lady. How’s society gonna function with people letting people go when they have 5 items? Jesus. Clearly, neither of us are here for the long haul, we’re in the 12 or less lane. Why is where you have to go so much more important than me?

Before you ask, I had 9 items. 4 MORE than this self-important jerk. So I returned her dirty look, but finished it off with a smirk, just so she knew, that I knew, what she was getting at. And I felt good.

But as I was driving home I realized there is no rule for this. Nothing in the etiquette guide. Nothing your mom teaches you. Christ, Seinfeld didn’t even get to this one (though I heard it was a season 10 pitch). I also realized I have the ability to affect change, by reaching literally dozens of people.  So I give you, the Definitive rules for letting people go ahead in the Supermarket

  1. The grantee must have no more than 4 items
  2. The difference between the grantor and grantee’s items must meet one of the following criteria
    1. Must be > 50% of the grantor’s items, or
    2. Must be >6
  3. Permission can be granted at any time, though it’s suggested that the grantor do so as soon as possible.*

*Don’t look in the person’s cart, then look away, then look back. It makes it seem like it’s not genuine, or like you had to consider something other than the amount of items. This could lead to artificial feelings (positive or negative) about one’s self worth.

**This is especially true if it’s an attractive member of the opposite sex, as it may appear that your motives are unpure.

***Unless your motives are unpure, then, have at it ladies and gents. The supermarket had led to many a romance.

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